T-Rex's Friends

Wednesday, March 17th, 2010

sssuperego

Time:	6:30 pm.
Music:	Maybe After He's Gone - the Zombies.

I'm so scared. I feel so scared. I feel like I want to pass out. I've contacted everyone to tell them I'll catch up later but that right now it's not fine. I ran out of clonazepam and haven't gotten any refills yet. I called my parents and told them I'm doing horribly, that I feel ashamed and that I've let them down. And I'm so scared.
I made appointments with all my professors and I told them I'm sorry. I can't do my paper tonight, no way. I can't do that. I have to tell Professor Britt. I can't eat. When I sleep I have horrible dreams about failure and overwhelming sexual desire.
I can read everybody. I know everybody like a psychologist. I know everyone better than they do. It's all in their hate. Hate is their divergence.
I don't have any STD's. I wish I did though. I wanted to have AIDS. I would have ran for something as an openly HIV positive candidate. I'd advocate family planning and safe sex. I'd advocate love really. I'd advocate for entitlements. I'd advocate that I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I don't know what to do right now. I wish I'd just die. I'm so sad. I'm so sad. And I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for drinking and not doing good in school and sleeping too long. I'm sorry because I'm sorry. I just feel sorry. I'm really sorry. I don't want to bother anyone anymore. I guess I'll just sign off this entry.

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sssuperego

Time:	3:30 pm.
Music:	Marquee Moon - Television.

Jesus. I just read that entry from a couple days ago. Definitely set it to private. Sorry for the TMI. I hardly realized what I was writing I guess.

This really isn't the first time I did something without realising I was doing it. Stone sober, too.

Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.

sssuperego

Time:	12:32 am.
Music:	Electric Renaissance - Belle and Sebastian.

I forget what I was going to write.

Stupid Kate got affectionate. I annoyed the hell out of her all night--just like everyone I've dated. Man, I really annoy girls I date. They like me all right, but then I start annoying the hell out of them eventually. And it's like not even like I'm trying to. Sometimes I do, but not always. If I'm trying, half the times it's cute. I think. I mean, in hind sight at least everyone's happy. But I don't always try to do it. It's usually things like not hearing what people are saying over the phone. Kate was getting really pissed about that tonight. Man she was pissed. I think there's probably some sort of psychological meaning behind it. I wonder it what it is. When you get so annoyed by stupid stuff like that. Some of it is because it's getting old, but some of it is in excess. What's the excess? It's either hate or love. It's certainly nothing in between.

Stupid Kate got affectionate and dropped her head on my shoulder out of nowhere. Looked at me and smiled for no fucking reason. Asked me if I wanted a hug. No. I was just dropping her off after buying her dinner and splitting a pitcher. And that's dropping her off at another bar. I was supposed to take her to get her wallet and then to give her the rest of the stuff she hasn't taken yet. Then she's hungry as hell.

She was so fucking bummed out all night. She lightened up while we were chillin', but Jesus, we wouldn't've been chillin' if I thought the night was going to end without the things we were aiming to get done getting done. If she asked me to hang out I would have said, "No, I'm busy." I thought though, OK because we have to do this stuff anyway. Why the fuck would I want to hang out with Kate if she's not coming back home to crowd the bed with me? Why the fuck would I want to have anything to do with her unless I get to fall asleep rubbin' our butts together.

I tested negative for STDs. I told her. Wished I hadn't. I'd rather her just be unsure. It'd be nice for me to know nothing's spreading around, but it'd be kind of nice to keep that stupid shit in the back of her head as she continues to make shitty decisions. She's about to make a shit ton of bad decisions. She asked me what I'd do with fifty grand. I said I'd record and press an album and try to break even and then put the rest in savings I guess. She said she'd get her license back, do something else I forget, and then buy a shit ton of coke. I said that depressed the hell out of me. She's been off that for a long while. Why's she all about doing it again if she's got fifty grand? She dips low, I'm not touchin' her til she's hit bottom and just chills there a while. Then I'll be supportive. Maybe I'd be supportive on the way down, but not in the circumstance of being broken up with, you know?

I should stop going off though. I had a good time. I really have no interest in dropping her out of my life. I'm glad we're still chillin'. Tonight there was a good deal of awareness that we used to be together and aren't anymore, but most other times it's just chill. I mean, already there's other times.
Anyway, point is, I told her to come out and see DUV play this Friday. So if she goes, don't treat her like dirt or anything. I'm a little bitter now--especially tonight because I was gonna study for a test--but I'm not usually. Only when I write in my LJ. Things are going to be cool. Very sweet and kind and loving, really. I'm just kind of excited about seeing someone else and her getting jealous. I sure do hope I find someone before she does. Even if I just make out with someone. I mean, it has to be someone here. And people have to notice it. I think even if I just go on one date before she does I'll be happy. But I'll be damned fucking pissed if she's with someone before me. Probably won't talk to her for a long time. Fuck this noise, I guess.

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Monday, March 15th, 2010

sssuperego

Time:	5:57 pm.
Music:	Stabbing a Star - Guided By Voices.

So Kate and I had a kind of had a last night together as a kind of celebration of what was a great relationship between two people who really felt grateful for each other.

It took some convincing, but I finally got Kate to agree that we'd have a good time, not a bad time. And, yes, I was right. We're both happy to have done this.

Kate wanted to avoid the world and go to some bar we never go to. Turns out Stephan was bartending. He's a fella who serves us quite often at T-West. We both like the dude plenty, and I was actually happy to see him there. Just cause he's an all right guy and all. But I think Kate was fretting the sitch. Didn't want to cause a scene.
We also ran into a friend of hers. It took us a while to explain to her that we're not together anymore and that we were just having a few beers as our first night as bros.

Kate's a lot like Josie and ready for some sort of adventure, but where Josie is capable, resilient, optimistic, and successful in what she does, Kate is more careless, desparate, depressed, and clumsy. But I told her I'd give her no lecture on whatever plan she has to skip town. Frankly, I think she's as at bottom as she's going to get. I think even if she wound up in prison or something crazy like that (I don't know why she wind up there), I think she'd be able to pick herself back up. It's a strange place to suggest she might find structure. And I'd visit her all the damned time. And this time not out of love as a boyfriend, but love as a friend.
Anyway, it was kind of disappointing.
She said it really bugged her the way people always asked her where I was when they saw her. She said she probably gets that more than me, and I was like, no, not in the least. Because anytime I'm not with her people ask. No offense to me, she said, but she couldn't stand that. I liked it, though. I really did.

We went to bed and she said, "I'm not lying when I say I love you." And I said, "I know." And she said, "You're the best boyfriend I've ever had." And I said, "I don't like to compare." And she said, "I sure as hell do!"

Well I'm going to go draft a paper. I hope it's not a long paper. I don't think it should be too hard. I'm expecting to get a lot done tonight.

independent research paper draft
finish zazie powerpoint
get a deep frier and some potatoes (house warming gift for kate)
logan's b-day party
bring some fun and good looking girls home to sleep with all freakin' night loooooong-as-my-dong

also if i can:
critique stories
skim chapter 11
submit the powerpoint w/ answered questions
jot down some practicum journal

tomorrow
submit powerpoint w/ questions if not done
study for test on wednesday
jot down some practicum journal
not yet critiqued stories

wed:
practicum
take test
prepare an admit slip lesson w/ ch 12
any other catch up

thursday:
draft out webquest plans
draft out technology research paper plans
draft out unit plans
look ahead to what's coming up

fri:
more catch up
more drafts on above
just planning in general
duv practice

Good plan I think. Worth sticking to. I'm gonna work on that powerpoint NOW!

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Saturday, March 13th, 2010

sssuperego

Time:	2:20 am.
Music:	Lemonade - Weezer.

I can't wait until Kate moves out. I don't want to hear about her or from her or anything for a long time. I want her to go away and never come back and be in pain in the place she is at. I want her stuff out of my room now and her with it. I don't want a trace of her here anymore. It hurts too much. I hate her being here. I hate how she still calls me boofus and says she loves me, too. I hate it when she has fun. I hate it when she plays with the stupid cats. And I hate the stupid cats that she likes.

Pick up line: "Hey Stephanie, sorry I didn't go to that show you were promotin'. I was gonna go so I could ask you on a date, but I couldn't get anyone to go with me and I wasn't sure who was gonna be there. Didn't know if it was gonna be hoppin' or not."

--OR--

"Hey Stephanie, if I could describe you in 146 words I'd say that you remind me of someone who would pick on me a lot in elementary school but only because she likes me but then not like me in middle school for stupid reasons that kids in middle school don't like each other for and then would go to a different high school and run in at a party a year or two after we started drinking and think each other is really hot but not really do anything about"

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Thursday, March 11th, 2010

sssuperego

Time:	3:59 am.
Music:	Butcher's Tale - the Zombies.

fuck your stupid cave and fuck your cocaine and mushrooms and stupid cat box. fuck you. i miss you.

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Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

sssuperego

Time:	1:14 am.
Music:	A Century of Fakers - Belle and Sebastian.

Cutie chasin' in DC, but still sad.
Then had dinner with Laura.
Then drinks with Cookie and Alex.
Called Kristina to ask her on a date, but didn't answer, and was half joking. But only half. Half empty of joke. Half full of going on a date with a friend for the hell of it.
Finished Catcher in the Rye.
Still sad about Kate.

Oh, but, yeah, Kate. That conversation went well. I didn't think she was even going to come home that night for me to break up. I was going to leave a note. But she called to be picked up and I was like, "Look, it's pretty clear this isn't a good time for a relationship for you, so I want to break up. Do you want to talk about this more?"
Then she just sat and listened for a while. And like I've told everyone there's a little bit of stuff she'd already known, a little she hadn't been admitting to herself, but she was thankful I said it because she didn't want to or didn't know how or didn't know it was there to be said.
It was... well... I think when I say this it's that I'm happy that it really isn't me. It's not me. It's just the sitch. Feels like she let me down, there isn't anyone else, dropped the L bomb one more time, treated me better than anyone, am sorry.
I just talked for a long time and she even had the patience to listen when I brought up how strange it was to lend your gf the van to go to a boy's house.

Man, whatever. I'll be swoonin' over someone else in no time. Probably Stephanie. She broke up with Nikki's old boy. When I first got to Norfolk I thought Stephanie was like the damned dreamiest girl I ever saw. That rules that we got single at the same time, I guess. I dunno, maybe she's wack though. Lots of girls. So many girls.

Mmmm... I dunno, I guess I'll just stop talking about her. We broke up is all. I don't know if I wrote an entry about it yet. Maybe she'll get her time in her cave, but by then I'll have moved on. And, yes, just like anyone else would, I hope when she's out of the cave that she'll want me back while I have moved on and it makes her sad. I get to be a little angry. I broke up with her, but it's really the other way around. I only broke up with her because she wouldn't break up with me. She took too long to do it. I don't know if she even realized that she wanted to. It was getting pretty damned embarrassing not being in a reciporicated relationship.

I was gonna say some more personal things about..... stuff... but.... I guess it's lewd and nevermind. I mean, I was gonna say positive stuff of course. But I can go say it to myself somewhere else.

Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.

Tuesday, March 9th, 2010

sssuperego

Time:	3:38 am.
Music:	Changes - the Zombies.

I just ordered a white headband and placed a bid on a yellow bucket hat. I don't know if I can even bear looking as less good right now than I will when these things come to me in the mail. God forbid I don't win that fucking bucket hat.

Kate and I broke up, but it everything happened in a best-case-scenario kind of way. That would be that I "hit the nail on the head." So I everything I was kind of seeing was exactly what was going on. Some of it Kate was denying either because she was lying to herself or hesitant to tell me what was really up (which is very understandable when you're living with the person you don't have time for).

So, it's been about a day since we broke up and went to bed. Going to bed meaning falling asleep naked like we have been for the past five months and this actually not being all that weird at all, either. But, it's been about a day since we broke up and went to bed, and already I'm chasing tail, but it's really hitting me that I really do love Kate and she's what I really want.

I'm kind of like noticing that that major cutie Stephanie broke up with her boy just now, but it's not all that exciting really.

I put in a piss cup and blood sample to test for STIs and STDs. I can't believe it costs money. That is so fucked up. $130. I have health insurance and didn't pay a cent, but goddamn, what the fuck? Maybe the Health Dept is free? I went to Planned Parenthood. I'm just kind of a huge PP fan. Family planning and safe sex I think are my new big causes.

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